Mark tells a Ghost Story

May 10th, 2012 by Gopdol Staff

Look, I am not going to apologize for not writing much. I am a terrible person, I know. And I am going to act the same way that I always act when I know I screwed up. I am going to blame everyone else. So here we go, ready?

Look, I don’t get paid to run this site, run this team, chase all these dudes around for content or anything else. You should just be happy that I am still writing this at ALL. This is the first night in like literally three weeks that I have been able to come home right after work and not have to do other things. I am a busy ass dude. I am the Michael Buble of busyness right now. I have no idea what that means but analogies help put things in perspective, even if they make no sense, like that one just now. Also my car needs repairs. And I may even have to dip into my incredible savings to afford it. So you had better do some soul-searching before you accuse me of being a deadbeat blogger, deadbeat dad, deadbeat husband, deadbeat professional golfer, or a deadbeat of any other variety. Look yourself in the mirror, bro. People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. So let he who has no sins cast the first stone at my glass-ass house.

Are there really glass houses? That would be terrible. You would spend SO much money on Windex.

Ok so now that we got that awkwardness out of the way, let’s start the show!

I may have told you like 100 times before that I used to “go” to Indiana University. This is only sort of true. But now that we got that off our chests, my friend Mark really DID go to Indiana, and he went there for like, four years or something, however long it takes to get a degree from that place. It is literally in the middle of nowhere. When I went there, my major was “Corn.”

So Mark is a funny guy and I have known him for like… I dont know, sixteen years or something, he is like my oldest friend. Not my oldest oldest friend, that honor goes to Nathaniel, who is 36 years old and I still have no idea how he is that old. Anyways, whatever this has been enough of a goddam intro for you, it’s like 500 words.

My friend Mark is a lawyer now, but you will not be able to tell at all because he writes just like me. “Barely” is how we write. It is pretty much like a sixth grader wrote it. Did I mention he also got a degree in Law from Michigan?

Anyways Mark sent me a story about Indiana around the time I went there. I think it is an incredible story. It is a GHOST STORY. Here it is.

Mark:

This is my first gopdol.

In the early 2000’s I moved into a 2 bedroom apartment/townhouse with 2 other people. The other two people got the upstairs bedrooms and I moved into the basement but don’t feel bad because the basement was huge and awesome. The basement was just one big room that was as wide as a normal bedroom but it was as long as like four of five bedrooms so at night I would sit in bed and just look down this long corridor of darkness ending in a door that led to the outside. Looking down that long, empty, dark corridor every night kind of freaked me out so I tried to put things in the way to block my view, like a desk and a big tapestry, but it didn’t work b/c I could always see around it. Also, the door at the end of the corridor led to the outside where we had exterior lights so there was like an outline of light around the door that also freaked me out for some reason. Sometimes it flickered I think.

So I was already pretty on-edge in that room which helps explain my actions. One night, I was getting ready for bed and turned all the lights out so the only light coming in was the flickering around the door at the end of corridor. But it was enough light to see that on the floor was this book just sitting there. It definitely wasn’t my book because I knew I hadn’t left any books on the floor so I turned the lights on and picked it up. The book was called “an unquiet mind: memoirs of moods and madness.”

I didn’t even think about it for a second, I just thought it was completely obvious that the book was about someone who had gone crazy and in their madness had killed themselves and become a ghost and then left that book in my room as a warning to me that our apartment was haunted. I didn’t even read the back cover to find out what the book was about, I just thought it was completely obvious, why bother reading it, plus I was scared to read it because I didn’t want to like, “know too much” because that might put me at risk with the ghost.

So then I developed a genius plan to fight my fear. I thought that if I could prove that the book was sold at the college bookstore, that maybe I could prove that I bought the book by accident when buying my textbooks and that would explain how it ended up in my room. I didn’t really believe that story, because when I had bought my books earlier that week I was careful to make sure I got all of them and I would have noticed an extra book in the bag. So the next day I went to the bookstore with that book and I looked around for someone who worked there. I went up to the counter with the book in my hand and I was like, “hey, do you sell this book here?”

And the girl was like, “Oh, do you want to buy that book?”

And I was like, “no, I don’t want to buy it, I just want to know if you sell it here.”

And she was like, “oh, so you already bought it?”

And I was like “no, I just have it, I didn’t buy it that’s why I want to know if you sell it.”

And she was like, “uhhhhh, ok, I’ll look it up in the computer.”

So she looked it up in the computer and she was like, “yeah we sell that book, is there anything I can help you with?”

And I was like, “nope,”

and then I jetted out of the store feeling pretty happy that (1) there was starting to be some holes in my ghost theory and (2) I had done a really good job investigating.

When I got home my roommate was there and when I came in I had the book and he was like, “dude, that’s my book man I’ve been looking all over for it!”

And I was like, “oh, I found it in my room.”

And he was like, “yeah I came in through the basement I must have dropped it.” And then he was like, “why did you take it out with you I needed it today for class and I was going to have to go buy another one.”

And then I couldn’t think of a lie so I just said, “I thought a ghost left it my room so I took it to the bookstore.”

Then he was like “I’m not even mad that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.”

The end.

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

Nathaniel’s Animal Choice

April 12th, 2012 by Gopdol Staff

Hey it’s Elliot.

A while back, when I asked everyone to give me their animal choice, I asked my friend Nathaniel to contribute. Nathaniel is a writer where I used to work, and one of my very close friends. The only problem with Nathaniel is if you ask him to do something, there is a 90% chance he will forget. The other 10% chance is that he will be too busy. So when I asked him to help out, he said yes, then forgot for two weeks, then was too busy. I got his entry today, and was just going to give it a read, and say thanks. But I was blown away. I wish this kid would write for us full time. But he makes twice as much as me so that plan needs to be ironed out. Anyways, I hope you enjoy this half as much as I did. – EL

Nat:

Ok, so I know this is really late. And probably too late to publish to Gopdol. Not because you can’t publish it, but because the topic is probably over. Oh well. Just read it yourself, I don’t care.

So the fact that it’s really late first got me thinking that if I could be any animal, I should probably pick a sloth. You know, being so lazy and all. But there are a few things wrong with that answer. First, are sloths really lazy? I dunno. I mean, yes, the name means lazy. But maybe they’re kinda active, but just look lazy because they’re really busy at night, when no one’s looking. If that’s the case, and if I were a sloth, I’d be pissed. It’s like staying at work after everyone leaves, but not getting any credit. That’s not fair. Plus, what are we comparing their laziness to? I mean, bears sleep for an entire winter. How come they’re not called sloths?

The second problem is that the reason I didn’t write this earlier wasn’t because I’m lazy…I didn’t write it because I procrastinate. So if a ‘sloth’ was called a ‘procrastinate’ then that would be more accurate. And I’d consider picking that based on name only. The name is important.

But the third problem is that I’m pretty sure I’m suppose to pick an animal that I’d want to be, not one that is similar to me. But, as I told you yesterday, I need more details.

First, do I have my own brain, but now I’m in an animal’s body? And if I have my own brain, do I experience everything the same? Like, if I’m me, but in a hawk’s body, that’d be great because flight would be fun. But eating worms and mice? Not so fun. But maybe since I’m a hawk, I’d actually LIKE worms and mice (wait, do they eat worms too? I know robins do. But not hawks. Although I DO know that some predatory birds, maybe not hawks, but maybe eagles or falcons or something, eat snakes. That’s not the amazing part. Actually it’s disgusting. And scary. Snakes. Fuck that. But what’s amazing is the way they kill them. They clutch them in their talons, fly really high, and drop them. That blew my mind when I first heard that. I think I was maybe 14. It means they’re aware snakes can’t fly! Even though they, themselves, fly all their life, instead of just assuming that snakes can fly too, they look at them and just know that they can’t. And not only do they know they can’t fly, they know that if the snake hits the ground, it’ll die. That’s amazing. If I’m a hawk, and I swoop down to grab a snake, I would think that the LAST thing I’d wanna do is drop it because then it would just slither away. But the hawk KNOWS the snake won’t do that because he’ll be dead. Something is just so fascinating about that. They understand physics. Do you think a hawk just knows this? Or that he has to find this out by accident? Like, he lost his grip one day and when he went to pick it up, he was like, Wow. He’s dead! No struggling. That’s much easier.

Anyway, ok, so where was I? I forget. And I’m not re-reading to find out. Fuck. Umm. I think I was wondering if I had my own brain. Or if I do, do I like the food that hawks or whatever eat. I don’t have the answers to this, because the question needs more detail. So I’ll make up my own rules.

First, I don’t have my own brain, but I don’t have the animal’s brain, either. It’s something in between. I have a basic notion that I used to be human and that I became this animal. Yet I enjoy everything that the animal does, like eating worms, because that’s what my hawk taste buds tell me. But I also enjoy the cool things they do, like flying, a little more than most hawks or eagles or whatever, because I have a basic understanding or sense or intuition or memory that I was once a human and simply now know it’s really, really cool to fly. Kinda like how the hawk has an innate understanding or awareness that the snake becomes dinner the moment he’s dropped.

Also, there is no ‘second’. I know I said ‘first’, but that’s it. That’s the only rule. So based on that, there are certain animals no one would ever choose. Basically, anything that is preyed upon. That goes without saying. Being eaten alive is never good. Being chased can be a kinda fun, if you have a sense of adventure or like to play. But not if you know that if you’re caught, you’ll be eaten. Then it’s terrifying. I assume. I’ve never had to run away from someone or else be eaten. Fuck that’d be scary.

Ok, so mice, small birds, antelope, etc., are all out. Lions are still on the table. So are hippos. Rhinos. Elephants. Crocodiles. Most dogs and cats are still an option, too. Plus, they have the advantage of being domesticated. A cat, for example, has a pretty decent life. No school or work. Lots of sleep. But there’s a lot left to chance of who your owner is. If you said I could be a lion or Mila Kunis’s cat, is that really even a question? Even if you said a lion or Mila Kunis’ pet turtle, I’d strongly consider being the turtle.

So that’s rule 2, I guess. Even tough I just said there’s only one rule. Now there’s two. Rule 1: I sorta have my own mind, but I also sorta don’t. And Rule 2: I can’t be so specific as to be able to choose my owner. I’m simply a cat or a turtle and have to just get lucky with WHOSE cat or turtle. I don’t like those odds.

Hmm. Dolphin is a good answer, I’ll give you that. But I don’t wanna be in the ocean for my whole life. It’d be pretty cool for like 5 years. 10, tops. But I know I’d get sick of it. And your new choice, a lion, is pretty badass. But sorta obvious. I mean, doesn’t everyone say, a lion or a panther, because they’re cool? Or a hawk, because they can fly? All good choices. But I want a somewhat more original answer for this, without compromising my choice.

So I choose a T-Rex. Here’s why. First, you didn’t say it has to be an animal that’s currently in existence. And no changing the rules now. Second, I don’t mean that’d I’d be a T-Rex living in today’s time. That would actually suck because I’d be locked up in a special zoo or studied by scientists all my life. So I’d be a T-Rex living in the prehistoric era. Which is WAY better than living in modern day Africa. Or the ocean. I’d get to see all the other dinosaurs, which isn’t quite as cool as being able to fly, but it’s pretty fuckin close. Now, living among dinosaurs would normally be terrifying. But that brings us to No. 3: I am the complete opposite of the ‘don’t wanna be eaten’ rule. Or bylaw or guideline, or whatever. No one is eating or chasing a T-Rex. Ever. Fourth, I know they’re kinda dumb. But see Rule 1: I don’t have a regular T-Rex mind. Another benefit is that I’m really fast. I think they can run over 40 mph. And yes, I’m using Jurassic Park as my source. So basically, I’m everything a lion is. Only much more fierce, and faster too (I think. I guess I really should look that up). In fact, if I’m a T-Rex, I would LOVE to run into a lion. Or 5 lions. Or maybe even 10 (but probably not more than 10…that could be pushing it. Maybe that’s a question for another day: How many lions would it take to beat a T-Rex?)

Anyway, one last point. Is there an animal with a cooler nickname that a T-Rex? I’m not sure why I stated that as a question. Of course there’s not. Even the full name, Tyrannosaurs Rex is amazing. “Lion”? “Dolphin”? Embarrassing by comparison. The only name that comes close is a Wolverine. But it’s still second. Or at least 1A.

Finally, any downside to being a T-Rex? Hm. Their arms are comical. No doubt about it, T-Rex gets made fun of for his arms. But never to his face. Even so, I like to be able to use my arms, so I’ll admit, that is a concern. Still, all-in-all, I’d give it up for all the other benefits.

Posted in Uncategorized | No Comments »

Elliot Keeps a Diary

April 10th, 2012 by Elliot

A long time ago, this whole website was just me. Actually that was like three months ago. Ever since then, it’s been a whirlwind. I got, like, all these other writers, who now have grown tired of actually doing any, you know, actual writing, per se. Then we had all these other projects, like we started this hypothetical podcast, called Spin the Banana, that you may have heard of. Then we started a band and started making music. But somewhere along the way, I stopped just coming here to write, like a diary. You know, like little girls keep. But due to the nature of my job, and the jobs of my writer friends, I don’t think we will have a song or article for everyone this week. So I am picking up the slack and I’m just gonna write for you.

It can be like, just you and me talking. Like an email from me to you.

We can get back to what gopdol used to be, if only for a little. Because I like it way more now, the way it is with the other guys. And without the pictures that take me literally, extra SECONDS to find and upload.

I’ve been really, really busy lately. Doing a lot of projects and stuff. Probably the busiest I have been in a couple years. Busy with work too. It is that kind of year. But busy is good. Get busy living or get busy dying, that is what they say in Shawshank, along with like 400 other perfect quotes. And there is also shower room rape, if that is your sort of thing. So if you like a movie with 400 great quotes, and you like shower rape, check out Shawshank.

I feel kind of guilty because I still have some work I should be doing right now. “You got time to gopdol, you got time to do your projects!” That is what this one guy said to me one time. And I was like “Get out of my dreams, Emmanuel Lewis!” Did I mention that it was Emmanuel Lewis who said that to me in a dream one time?

The other day, there was this homeless guy outside CVS who I see all the time, he is in a wheelchair and his name is David. So I saw him and I gave him a dollar. And then this other homeless guy popped out of nowhere, probably a dumpster somewhere, and said “that’s my dude right there” about the guy in the wheelchair. And I said “I know. He’s my dude too.” And I felt just like that scene in Rushmore right before that great Rolling Stones song comes on, and Max becomes a barber. I felt like that. It was the same kind of weather that day. And maybe I am a lot like Max. I think the best movies and stories are the ones where you really relate to the main character. But what the hell do I know? I write gopdol, not stories.

So like a long time ago, like five years ago or so, I would sometimes just come here and write. And people would read it. And they would like it! But right now I have no idea why. I can’t think of a goddam thing to say that is even remotely interesting. I bet a lot of people would tell you that same thing about me. “I like the way Elliot writes, but I can’t think of why!”

Do you know the part at the end of the movie Big where Older Tom Hanks is just walking around, like watching kids, longingly, wishing he could be a kid again? If you do not know that he used to be a kid like 2 weeks beforehand, that part is terrifying.

I used to write for this humor website, called thephatphree dot com. But it doesn’t exist anymore. And I am pretty bummed out about that because I had like 15 articles on there that were hilarious. Well, I thought so. And apparently the editors did too, because they published my work. But most of the comments in the comment section would be like “this is not funny.” And then I would EXPLODE inside and write comments… on my own articles… in response to their comments. So then I quit writing for them and started my own website.

Come to think of it, it’s really not that different from this website.

Recently me and some friends were talking about creating a tv show called “Escape from Camden.” And the whole premise of the show was that they stuck a middle class couple in the middle of Camden, somewhere, without their phones and money and stuff, and if they could get out of Camden, then they win. And the grand prize was that you were not in Camden anymore.

One time on that website I had an article called “Love isn’t a Drug. Crystal Meth is a Drug.” It was this ridiculously over the top rubbish about, well, the title says it all. And that article was rejected from their website. Which is probably the best and worst thing about this website. Nothing gets rejected, because I have the final say. Which is bad because sometimes you get drivel like this.

We have a lot of exciting stuff coming up on gopdol. We actually have 2 new articles in progress. One is about… I am not going to tell you. If I tell you, you will steal my ideas and turn them into profitable outcomes. Which was my dream all along. But new articles, new songs, and new adventures.

Speaking of dreams, Emmanuel Lewis is making me get back to work on my projects. Love you, thanks for stopping by.

Posted in Uncategorized | No Comments »

Another New Song, “Stephanitely”

April 6th, 2012 by Gopdol Staff

As promised, here is this week’s song. 2 songs in 2 weeks! This song is about Seaside Heights 1989 and me and Nick’s friend Stephanie. And all the guidos she knew back then. Hope you all have a great weekend!

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments »

Our first song

April 6th, 2012 by Gopdol Staff

in case you did not see it, like, because you are not on our facebook or whatever, here is the youtube link to me and nick’s first song, called Spin the Banana. We did this one last week, and are trying to do a song a week now! We have our second one done, and are going to do a live performance of it today, hopefully, if I can remember all the words. (It’s a tough one.) But anyways I hope you like this one, show all your friends, and stay tuned for next week’s, called “Stephanitely.”

But for now, please enjoy, Spin the Banana.